JOURNAL. December 2025.
13.12.2025
The time when I will have to "provide for myself" grows ever closer. A terrifying thought. Unsure what to do.
Have just discovered the world of Ocarina of Time/Majora's Mask fan music using the games' sound fonts and made for imaginary locations/lore, some of which is pretty good.
Regarding the analysis thing—I have a certain nervousness about being seen as if I want to be part of someone's world, which is very much what I am interested in here (integrating into the psychoanalytic world). That is why I was glad to be invited. Part of figuring out what to do with my life will be determining if making the effort to integrate is actually worth it. I still very much want to be involved in academics, get my PhD and work at a university as well. Of course university internal politics are probably nightmarish, but I assume the psychoanalytic ones are as well. An academic-analyst isn't a bad combo, but there is the question of managing commitments, including financially. Ugh.
Now another I will have to address (do I dare bring it up?) is the embarrassing dream I had about him last night. But unfortunately there are so many interesting things to talk about... I hate liking people. But it's a somewhat pleasant feeling as well. Anyways, it's not really abnormal in these contexts, so... I don't know. Hopefully he is patient and kind about it.
I want to read and write things again. I am tired and need to sleep. Why do I always remember my passion when the day is over?
Breathing (12.12.2025)
Lots of seemingly asthma-related pain lately.
Very busy with apartment and academic matters. Really want to talk about the stuff mentioned last time, but am far too tired for that right now.
Places (09.12.2025)
Have to write and think on this more, but on Friday I brought up to my analyst that I consider becoming one myself. Actually I avoided saying this for most of the session. But he asked me afterwards if I was coming to the talk (by a French analyst) on Saturday, so I guess he doesn't mind me in that world. Interesting talk, my notes are a nightmare mix of French and Polish.