JOURNAL. May 2025.
uh oh!! (25.05.2025)
Just sent in an application for a job teaching English to children. Nervous, hope I get the job. Hopefully being a native speaker will be to my advantage. Looks like a lot of people applied. But I need a job in order to keep with expenses (at least if I want to keep going to analysis) and also buy a new laptop to replace this one, which is dying. Stressful.
Very busy lately overall. But even being busy with a bunch of bullshit feels better than staring at the wall or scrolling. Gotta stop doing that.
More and more lately I feel lonely. Which in some way is good, as it indicates more interest in others and the world around me. But it is painful.
whining about masochism (15.05.2025)
The end of my last session with my analyst was cold. The classic Lacanian "cut", the first time he's actually dared to end early. Also lead to a painful realization about my masochism which seems to run deeper than I thought before. I have sunk to the level of the things I find most personally degrading. (Perverts don't have as much fun as a lot of people seem to think). I don't know... I have to do something about this. Felt like absolute shit that night + the next morning. Took a nap and had a dream about my crush which cheered me up somehwat but I continue to feel a bit off.
Some part of me as a result wants to provoke my analyst into being crueler to me. But that's probably not a good idea. But I want him to be even more cold and cruel when I get too embarrassed to speak until I'm forced to say things. That's one of the more pleasant thoughts which comes to my mind.
Spending my free time in the evening/at night lately playing Silent Hill which is actually maybe not the best idea.
Whatever. I really need to get a job.
At any rate, some tendencies I seem to have been developing over the past year seem to be in contradiction with my more extreme masochistic tendencies, so maybe embracing them will be good.
speaking about myself (10.05.2025)
I keep forgetting to maintain this journal, often because I feel too ashamed to do so. I rarely write, I have little to show for myself.
I write when I feel struck by something, which is not often. That much tends to be my fault. I pay little attention to the world and since childhood have not had much in the way of hobbies. I am trying to change this. It is difficult but I think worth it. I need to stop spending time on social media drains full of miserable people with nothing better to do than spew rage and hate. Waste of time, waste of energy that could be spent doing anything else at all.
Trying I guess to get involved more in Lacanian things. Went to an even hosted by my analyst as part of an introductory series. It's something he's been running for a while (since before I started seeing him a year ago), but was too cowardly to ask if I could attend (whether or not someone would be comfortable with this I think depends on the analyst). But it was fine and interesting. I went recently to another event hosted by his organization featuring an important figure in the field.
I've been considering picking up a part-time job. There are things I really want at this point which I have no hope of my parents even remotely paying for. I found a quite decently-paying English teacher job which doesn't seem to require anything other than English fluency. I'm a native speaker, so that should be to my advantage here, especially as the classes are immersion-based. I could probably even attend analysis more often with this. So far I only go once a week. There are important things for which I need to save. But I am honestly considering psychoanalysis as a career, if they will let a pervert in. There's a tendency to see us as somewhat ontologically evil. Have to ask my analyst at some point what the process would even look like, but I'm kind of embarrassed to do that as well.
I've been reading a copy of the Tao Te Ching with commentary and I think I like it a lot. Seems to line up with a lot of my own philosophy lately, although I'm not so good at the quiescence thing myself. But I feel much more calm when I feel at one with the world. I think I'm going to read more Taoist texts after this.
Playing through Path of Radiance. My first Fire Emblem game (Fates... ) was one that allowed grinding, as was my next after that (Echoes), so I'm still getting used to just going through the story with no ability to do that as well as the rather limited supports. Really challenging my completionism. Especially because after talking to him with Ike I didn't realize Gatrie is actually recruitable (with Astrid), so I don't have him. I did get Shinon, who is such an irritating character. Ah well. It's a fun game anyways. Even playing games is much, much better than pissing the day away on social media. At least when I'm not frying my brain by listening to youtube in the background at the same time. It's actually much more boring that way, I think.
People keep pushing me to speak more about myself. Guy with whom I have been doing a sort of helping each other with Polish/English for almost two years pretty much burst out in frustration at me recently for not doing this. But I don't notice most attempts to get me to actually speak about myself and usually feel that I don't really have the right to do so. And it confuses me why someone would want to build a friendship instead of just the exchange. My tutor is also pushing me to write about my own experiences in my Silent Hill essay. That's another thing I with which I have quite some difficulty. It seems strange to insert my own experiences with the games. I don't belong there or anywhere. Although I suppose I will try to. I need to work more on my thoughts for that essay anyways, so maybe I'll try to set up a meeting with him just to talk about it to see if there's anything worth writing about.