JOURNAL. April 2025.
I forgot about March (22.04.2025)
Wanted to make at least one entry a month but forgot. I hate adding stuff to my journal when I haven't actually added anything new to the site. new poem. It's not my favorite thing I've written, but I'm glad I managed to write something.
Been writing more of my short story but it ended up not as short as I expected. Just sort of running with what I come up with in the moment is the only way I can write, but it's very weird sometimes when you end up writing a whole almost second half to your story and it's about castration. Ah well.
Went to see a pulmonologist lately and I probably have asthma. Got an inhaler to try out and I'm finally able to exercise without getting out of breath after five jumping jacks and it's suddenly surprisingly enjoyable. I thought that exercise was supposed to feel like shit in that way and I was just to fucked up and lame to handle it. Hopefully I don't get bored of it. I would like to build more muscle but I don't have equipment and I'm not going to the gym. Will buy some weights when I have room in my budget, am using weights in my backpack for now. At least I have bodybuilder hormone levels on my side (though few would guess this from looking at me). Likely why I can do decent pushup sets despite having been pretty sedentary for a long time.
I was less depressed than normal last winter as far as I can tell, but still pretty depressed. As seems to be reflected in my lack of activity. As much as people envy emotional detachment sometimes or they think it makes someone evil, sometimes I really wish I weren't this way. It's so much easier to do things when you have people to talk to about it or people to do things for, and it's just so difficult for me.
Had a good few days off for Easter and wasted a lot of time, but did watch movies nightly. Often shit and not even fun shit (Basic Instinct 2 really deserves its bad reputation). But sometimes it's fun shit as well. Watched The Terminator last night and enjoyed it, even though it was pretty stupid. Sometimes I just like "cool" things. Kind of want to get into action movies like I was when I was a kid; think I'm going to watch the original Mad Max tonight.
Need to work on gathering and organizing more material for my Silent Hill (academic) essay. Also not looking forward to having to do an interview + analyze it for a group project in our research class.