JOURNAL. January 2025.
new year (01.01.2025)
Didn't even write anything for this site last month. Winter depression has taken it s hold, I think. I'm so tired, it's even harder for me to care about things than usual. I forget everything I'm interested in so easily. Perhaps not as easily as I might have in the past.
At the end of last summer I started experiencing something of a normal "crush" on a classmate for the first time in the years. This at least is a sign of something getter better, although still small. Maybe I'll someday be capable of some sort of reciprocality with other people. I still don't know what to do or even if I feel anything when other people take an interest in me or attempt to become friends. I have nothing but bewilderment. That has been happening lately. One classmate last month and now more.
I accepted an impromptu NYE party invitation yesterday from a philosophy classmate whose group of friends in general is apparently interested in me. I was not aware of this and overall struggle to feel anything about it. I likely would have ignored the invitation if not for the fact that the girl I am interested in would also be there. Before she arrived another classmate, this one from sociology, also expressed an interest in befriending me. I'm not sure wherefrom people are getting this curiosity. The thought that anyone might think of me in such a matter remains a foreign concept to me. I seem to have been taken into the friendgroup now, which I am aware is good. It's not that I'm incapable or loneliness or that I wouldn't benefit from human relationships. They are simply deeply "other" to me.
As for the girl, she's definitely into me, which may be worse than if she were not into me. Actually, she's been trying to get my attention for just over a year now. The fact she's gone this long without losing interest or getting pushy is admittedly impressive to me. Perhaps she has the patience necessary for my inability to be human. Still don't know if I'm capable of the emotional engagement necessary for getting close with anyone. But it may at least be worth talking to her a bit more.