JOURNAL. June 2024.
entry (26.06.2024)
The exam session continues to be a significant drain of time and energy. But it will be over soon enough...
Getting analyzed is funny. Now apparently I am supposed to elaborate on my philosophical interest in the car crash fetish movie. Although it comprises a part of my larger elaboration on my growing engagement in the world such as through philosophy and sociology. Which began with an interest in exploring alienation such as my own.
When I think about it, the sociological paper I wrote about schizoid experience was greatly helpful to me. This was a way of organizing my own thoughts on something related to my own experience in a way I never had before, and in doing so linking this with the world around me. Having attached my interest to something concrete, this allows the development of my interest along related areas, which is the beginning of a whole process of branching out... It was good to be taken seriously and have the suggestion that I send it to a proper journal. If I do get it published (after translating to English), I think I will send it to those who ask by email; I'm not comfortable publically linking this site to my offline self, but this is small enough for now that nosy strangers seem to pose no real threat. And I do think that I articulated something important.
Returning to the subject of psychoanalysis, I wonder how much of my interest (and now engagement) in it is due to an attraction to its esoteric nature. Much of what had particularly provoked my interest in actually undergoing analysis was reading anthropological texts comparing it to magical practices. It is a bit controversial, and not without cause, but this removal from the general social environment lends a certain interesting character to it which it might not have otherwise. Well, and it fits the character of an insufferable shut-in who studies philosophy and sociology and feels tormented by Symbols.
Speaking of the car crash fetish movie and delving into personal matters, I did somehow end up arranging a hookup where we will watch Crash together. I did not quite expect anyone to actually accept this offer when I wrote it in my bio, although I am not complainning. Now I "simply" have to not sabotage myself in my usual way by dropping contact because I became too frightened. Due to scheduling difficulties we won't be able to meet for a few more weeks, although this at least gives me some opportunity to prepare myself mentally (← the writer of this journal enough is mentally unstable enough that something as simple as this requires great effort).
I do need to develop some proper interpersonal connections as well, but that is still somewhat beyond me for now. It is only that it is so much easier for me to work on my passions when I have some method of conversing about them (even the simple fact of knowing that my essay would be graded is more engagement than I usually have in such an area). This would theoretically serve in overcoming my listlessness, but is quite difficult when my social drive is quite dead and the mere presence of others often makes me uneasy.
hope? (21.06.2024)
I find it strange to use the word above. But it may apply. I took a walk tonight—throught the local park—unfortunately many other people were also there—but I did find some peaceful moments/areas. One was on top of a pile of concrete slabs from some sort of unfinished infrastructural project. I laid on them, looking up at the sky and just thinking. I felt quite peaceful. Such moments are rare, and I do not expect that this feeling will last. But it suggests something. I'm finally beginning to return to some sort of engagement with the world which I like. I was stagnating for years, particularly after personal matters pulled me out of college the first time, and studying a philology I did not much care for after moving here did not help. But I have some passion for philosophy and sociology even if not all of the classes interest me, and even seemingly some talent for it, if the faculty are suggesting that I publish. This is good. I would like to think that I will be able to write something for this site once exams are finally over.
My relationship to other people is still something I must work through. But I think this is a good time to begin doing so, now that I seem to be beginning to secure some sort of place in the world. I have vague fantasies which I seem unable to connect to reality.
Lately I find myself interested in anthropological concepts of magic and liminality. It actually quite fits my own interests and that of my DnD character (who frankly in many ways in me but worse), which gives me the push to engage with this. Many have commented also on the similarities between magic and psychoanalysis, which is fascinating.
entry (09.06.2024)
My sociology paper has done better than I expected. The professor who runs the publication for student works read it and apparently recommended that I submit it to a proper academic journal. The journal he suggested publishes in English and Polish, so I think I will translate to English for international accessibility. The section teacher described it as a "very serious work", and I suppose I appreciate beng taken seriously in this way. Maybe I will affect something.
I have also been continuing to see that psychoanalyst. It is very funny to talk about one's fantasies of ******* ****** **** ** ******** ***** internal organs *** ****** **** and have this be enthusiastically described as "interesting", but it's almost nice in a way. I'm sure that once my analyst finally registers as a real person to me I will become more afraid and even hate him in a way.
Unfortunately with the end of the semester and approachng exams, I am incredibly exhausted. Hopefully I will not have a resultant collapse over the summer and will be able to gather myself enough to write something for this site.