JOURNAL. May 2024.
Feeling "Normal" (04.05.2024)
I have been feeling relatively normal lately, which is largely to say that my thoughts have not been very Peculiar. Negative symptoms of being schizo still remain, although not in their worst form.
It is a very strange feeling in such a state (will this state be rare or more "default"?) to look back at how I have been living and thinking. I cycle through states of "I cannot love" --("I do not deserve love, no one loves me")-> "anthing that might be a sign of kindness/love towards me is false" --("love is not there, only consumption of the other")-> "love is not real" --("love is an experience beyond me")-> "I cannot love" and so on endlessly.
In December the faculty of philosophy held some holiday celebration. A girl with whom I had Japanese class greeted me. I left the party quite early in distress, convinced of some fundamental impossibility on my part of being with people. I still find it difficult to engage with anyone beyond returning their greetings. But I am no longer under such strange convictions, at least not as strongly. I do not particularly trust others. But I am not so suspicious as I have been, and it is odd to understand the dangerous delusion I was approaching.
Today I toyed a bit with the seitan "beef" I had learned in order to make a kebab meat. It might be improved by some modifications, but it turned out quite well, soft but not chewy. This is something which can be added to my "meal prep", then. Slowly I learn to take care of myself. (Although my recent batch of falafel mix has turned out crumbly and does not stick together when frying, so perhaps I ought to pay more attention to ingredient proportions rather than Guessing). I have also finally begun to appreciate "sandwiches". I am overcoming some of my previous pickiness. How much of it was due to sensory matters (certainly a lot), and how much due to not being on my own, and hating to be constantly examined for my tastes?
I am still waiting for a response for my one essay, which is quite unfortunate. I Said quite a Lot, and I would like to know if it is comprehensible and reasonable. Certainly the teacher must be busy, so I shall not press her. But still...
I replied to my tutor's email with the texts I had mentioned during our conversation, in part of a desire to check if his use of a non-university account had been accidental. Seemingly not, as he mentioned nothing of it. I suppose that is okay, although I hope he has no particular expectation of closeness.