JOURNAL. May 2024.
hmm (31.05.2024)
Overall I have been feeling particularly detached lately, and hence the sparseness of updates. (Can't even be bothered to update my reading list or journals...) I am so exhausted, I presume the inevitable results of my studies, particularly as I have a much-heavier-than-average courseload and am studying in my second language. And it is still more than a month until the exam session is over!!! There is still one more essay I need to write as well, but it isn't due until September. My tutor and I agreed on my sending an initial version to hm by the end of June, but I will probably just send some shitty and unfinished version.
My schizoid sociology essay at least seems to have been received very well. The section teacher reccommended it for publication. It still has to compete, however, and I don't particularly have much hope regarding this, as the other student papers published by the faculty have been proper research or much longer works. Although I suppose my paper did have a "very specific philosophical-theoretical way of thinking", which is perhaps the benefit in spending most of my time in my head staring at nothing. Well, publication would be nice if it happens. That teacher also sent me the text I needed to summarize for our next lesson and included an article on the anthropology of illness because "perhaps it will be helpful to you in future academic work" as she know from my essay that I am interested in such topics, which seems kind. I would say that I appreciate it, as it is an attempt to respond to my own interests rather than to impose anything.
I have started seeing a Lacanian psychoanalyst. I do not know yet how helpful this will be; we have only had three sessions so far. And Lacanians do not particularly use terms such as "schizoid", which is the best descriptor I have found for my own experiences. I am somehwat skeptical of psychoanalysis still. But I have to try something.
??? (27.05.2024)
I was sitting in front of the mirror in the hallway not doing anything in particular (ever doing anything in particular usually feels so hopelessly beyond me) when at some point I recognized that what was in the mirror in front of me seemed to be a person. This was my reflection and I could not recognize it as myself despite being aware that it was. I sat there for a while not doing anything in particular. If I looked at the parts of my physical self I could see in front of me I also did not recognize them as mine which was terrifying in that they were more immanent but they were at least disembodied. The mirror confronted me with a whole person. I was aware of the fact that I would be able to make some sort of facial expression and see it reflected back at myself but I had no sense for doing so. After several minutes I crawled closer and reached out so that my fingertips met that thing in the mirror. I attempted to smile, which felt like a shifting of stiff plastic parts and found myself staring at a vague sort of grimace. Some more moments later at the mirror-figure's face hung in what appeared to be a display of fear, although I felt nothing and was not aware of having at some point begun to make that expression. This disturbed me on some level although I still could not feel anything so I retreated and continued sitting and looking at the mirror in various phases of more or less focused on it for several minutes. The sense of it being a person struck me again and I had the sense that I would not like to continue looking at this. I tried making strange gestures with my arms as if this could somehow coordinate me with the thing in the mirror but it still felt strange. I returned to my living room and began to type this out and at several moments had the sense of something within me which nevertheless was not accompanied by any feeling. I allowed myself to thrash my body and grip at my hair which seemed to perform itself on natural impulse and I had the thought in my head of "I am upset" which came with the impulse to express this thought but still emotionally I was and am entirely blank.
Feeling "Normal" (04.05.2024)
I have been feeling relatively normal lately, which is largely to say that my thoughts have not been very Peculiar. Negative symptoms of being schizo still remain, although not in their worst form.
It is a very strange feeling in such a state (will this state be rare or more "default"?) to look back at how I have been living and thinking. I cycle through states of "I cannot love" --("I do not deserve love, no one loves me")-> "anthing that might be a sign of kindness/love towards me is false" --("love is not there, only consumption of the other")-> "love is not real" --("love is an experience beyond me")-> "I cannot love" and so on endlessly.
In December the faculty of philosophy held some holiday celebration. A girl with whom I had Japanese class greeted me. I left the party quite early in distress, convinced of some fundamental impossibility on my part of being with people. I still find it difficult to engage with anyone beyond returning their greetings. But I am no longer under such strange convictions, at least not as strongly. I do not particularly trust others. But I am not so suspicious as I have been, and it is odd to understand the dangerous delusion I was approaching.
Today I toyed a bit with the seitan "beef" I had learned in order to make a kebab meat. It might be improved by some modifications, but it turned out quite well, soft but not chewy. This is something which can be added to my "meal prep", then. Slowly I learn to take care of myself. (Although my recent batch of falafel mix has turned out crumbly and does not stick together when frying, so perhaps I ought to pay more attention to ingredient proportions rather than Guessing). I have also finally begun to appreciate "sandwiches". I am overcoming some of my previous pickiness. How much of it was due to sensory matters (certainly a lot), and how much due to not being on my own, and hating to be constantly examined for my tastes?
I am still waiting for a response for my one essay, which is quite unfortunate. I Said quite a Lot, and I would like to know if it is comprehensible and reasonable. Certainly the teacher must be busy, so I shall not press her. But still...
I replied to my tutor's email with the texts I had mentioned during our conversation, in part of a desire to check if his use of a non-university account had been accidental. Seemingly not, as he mentioned nothing of it. I suppose that is okay, although I hope he has no particular expectation of closeness.