JOURNAL. April 2024.
entry (29.04.2024)
I have not been updating this journal as often as I would like.
The saturday before last, I did end up going to the Lacan seminar. It was pretty interesting; I will have to go to the next one. I've also started properly readng Lacan (currently his Quatre concepts fondamentaux de la psychanalyse), which I'll have to log into my reading list at some point. I picked up that one in particular as my tutor had mentioned a text of Lacan's concerning the gaze, which happens to come from this book. Since I need a grounding in Lacan and psychoanalysis in general for my current interests, I decided to read the entire book and not just that section.
I did end up successfully making falafel, and it's become a fairly regular food for me now. Today I made it into some kind of "meal" by eating it with fries and salad together, topped with a mango sauce I bought during my grocery run today. Mango sauce is likely something I would not have considered before, but it was the most appealing sauce available at the kebab place I've been going to, so I tried it there. It was better than I expected, so now I have some at home as well. I did attempt to make a "tzatziki" as well, which turned out edible but not particularly amazing, so my vegan tzatziki attempts will need some further tweaking (I am not vegan myself at this moment, but attempting to reduce how much animal product I consume). Today I learned as well to make seitan "beef" and a bulgogi from this, so that was very nice. I am glad to be learning ways to cook, as it makes me feel more competent and cared for by myself. I had originally been overwhelmed considering the large amount of potential recipes to learn and the very small amount I do know, but resolving to learn one at a time has been a great help. At some point I will be able to prepare myself different lunches for each day of the week. Unfortunately, I seem to have lost my lunchbag once again.
Still waiting for my teacher to return my first sociological essay to me, which has me somewhat worried as she had said she would try to give it back by the end of the last week. But I think the errors will mainly be editable. Nevertheless, I will have to see. I have yet to start my second sociology essay (and finish reading The German Ideology for it), or my philosophy essay, although for the latter I still have two months. I have the whole week free, and I will need to spend it largely on essays (mainly the first).
Friday I went to go speak with my tutor, largely just to converse. I do not tend to initiate conversations unless they are "business-related". I did still start with the somewhat excuse of needing to establish something for my essay. Nevertheless the thought of beginning a conversation with someone for no particularly necessary reason remains largely foreign to me. It is quite possible I would not have even initiated that discussion if he had not early said "let's agree to talk about these texts once you've read them," and so I did go to discuss the one which I had most recently read. The conversation was not unpleasant to me and I have the impression that he enjoyed it. Only a couple hours after he sent me a link to an article we had discussed (from his personal email, I suppose a mistake), which was a bit silly but appreciable as a token of our talk being welcome.
I am learning to converse with people in general. At the writers' group I have been able to engage in disussion with what others mention and also maintain interest in talking about my own areas of interest. So that is good. I seem to be developing some avenues of communicating certan of my thoughts although I certainly do not yet for the most part communicate what might be called "myself".
entry (13.04.2024)
Perhaps less tired, although still significantly so. I did take a nap not too long after waking up today; afterwards I did go for my regular bubble tea + kebab. Today and last week I have gotten my bubble tea from another place as the regular one has too much of a line. I suppose an inevitable consequence of it warming up. I may have to find something else to do during summer. I have decided that I quite like seitan after eating it at the kebab place, so I have ordered some and will try to learn a recipe with it soon. This week(end?) I think I will try to make falafel. My last attempts failed seemingly largely as a result of a cheap and awful blender, but I have a better one now. I should try to make pita as well, which would make me capable of making gyros. I need to see if I can make a decent "tzatziki" with the coconut yogurt I bought today.
After eating my kebab I walked to campus and found a relatively quiet area to sit and read some more. Today I've been reading Anti-Oedipus, which I find quite thought-provoking, even if difficult at times to understand. There are many, many which it reminds me I need to read, but before all else appears I suppose Melanie Klein, who I will at least need to delve into for historical purposes in my research on schizoidity, as well as for context when reading analyses written after hers. Besides which, my tutor seems insisten that I read her (the characteristically late email did eventually arrive).
I ought to look into Lacan as well. What interests me the most is his concept of the gaze, so I will start with that. I wonder if it can all be connected with the one-sided disciplinary gaze of a surveillance society, which I argue that the deviant (e.g. schizoid) gaze subverts...? I will have to see. It would be interesting to see how it fits into the significance of the fetishist's gaze in Tetsuo, which I would argue is a schizoid gaze. Unfortunately I did not have nearly enough allotted space in my sociological essay to discuss Tetsuo, so perhaps I will do so here, although that would likely have to be a summer project. But it would be intersting.
On the topic of my sociological essay, I finished and submitted it yesterday. Of course immediately after doing so I noticed several typos, but it is done now and all I can do is wait. It overall consists of very bold formulations, so I am wiating to see how well such a risk pays off. Certainly what I have written makes sense to me, but I have to see how well it holds up generally (and if I polemicized a bit too much for academic writing).
Regarding Lacan, I noted down an event a week from now hosted by some Lacanian society discussing his works which it might be interesting to go see. This would not be a bad decision. I feel I am indeed beginning to "enter" into the world in a sense and actually engage with it.
entry (06.04.2024)
Quite tired. Had difficulty sleeping last night and woke up earlier than expected, with pain in my neck (still present). Went to the first part of a "student academic conference" in the city just to attend, but was incredibly tired and easily agitated by the sounds of the door as people entered or left the room, and my next at that point hurt quite badly, so I returned home. I walked to get bubble tea and then eat at my perhaps routine Saturday kebab place rather than returning directly home. I was hungry and ate well , and returned home to take a food (and exhaustion) nap.
This post-nap part of my day feels almost as if it is a different day entirely. I continued reading what I had been reading at the kebab place, which is a collection of Kafka's stories that arrive in a package from my parents (one of the many books I had had to leave at home). I had forgotten how moving The Metamorphosis is to me. Poor Gregor... I am glad to be returning to Kafka now that I feel my appreciation for everything in general has deepened. He spoke to me the first time I read him, but I feel able to read his works with much more depth now.
I finished playing Breath of the Wild recently, so today I have finally started Tears of the Kingdom (having bought it quite soon after it first came out). It's very fun so far, and has a lovely atmosphere. It reminds me somewhat of the Jak and Daxter games, or Ratchet and Clank: a Crack in Time. Childhood favorites. There's something joyful in starting a new game.
I actually think my hypomanic phase may be reaching its end (hence the exhaustion) and that I may be crashing into depression again. However, today I did learn to make a nice tofu curry that I very much enjoyed. So it is not yet so bad, and this may have a mitigating effect. It has been a while since I have attempted to learn to cook anything. I have largely been relying on prepared foods and noodles, a rather pathetic showing for someone living alone for now more than a year. But I have learned to cook one thing, and I can learn to cook others. There is hope.
One may hope for mitigation as well by making progress in one's essays. My sociology essays on social schizoid mechanisms is almost complete, and I'm quite happy with it. It needs a couple finishing touches, citations added, and the introduction and conclusion written, but I have tied all my threads together and written the main body except for one point. Unfortunately it suffers from a very "introductory" character, but that is to be expected from a first-year essay. It is nevertheless the longest thing I have written and I have much more threads of inquiry along which I may depart from this work, so I think it (and my later philosophy essay) will provide a good background for my continued sociological and philosophical developments. (Regarding the philosophical essay, I am once again waiting for a characteristically late email from my tutor with suggested readings...)