JOURNAL. February 2024.
entry (25.02.2024)
Sleepy again. Finished The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life yesterday. Pretty good, synthesizes pretty well with the other texts I've been considering for my sociological essay.
On Tuesday my tutor came up to me in the hallway to inform me that he would respond to my mail with a proposed title + thoughts on the topic of the philosophical essay I have to write under him "this week". Of course he did not do this. That's okay for now, as the sociological essay is how I'm working out my thoughts on the phenomenology I intend to use in the philosophical essay as well, but it's a bit irritating. You didn't have to promise a specific time frame, my brother.
Went to a vintage clothing fair with a friend + acquaintance yesterday. It's nice to be invited to things and I appreciate it. And we had a nice conversation in a cafe afterwards. And yet it's so strange to do this and still feel such a deep emotional disconnect. In general I am content with my schizoidity and don't consider it inherently pathological. (I consider it more of a descriptor of a phenomenological approach than a diagnosis or identity). Yet it is at times so lonely.
Probably going to start reading Augustine's Confessions. Not religious, and not into theology, but we have to read part of it for philosophy and know about him for sociology anyways, so having some concrete focus point for both of these will useful in simply allowing me to process related facts through comparison. At any rate the confessions are very influential and have been discussed by many, including Derrida, so familiarity with them may be beneficial to myself. Likely will not make a journal for them, however, due to the lack of religious interest on my part.
entry (21.02.2024)
Really sleepy. Not looking forward to having homework and readings again now the new semester has begun. Today was two semester-only classes, both for the interdisciplinary program. I don't expect they'll be too demanding, but I'm not particularly enthusiastic about either of them, especially the one on "democratc society". At least the professor seems nice enough.
Already finished The Socal Construction of Reality today. Not marking the reading journal as finished however, as I want to redo the portion I accidentally deleted. A pretty interesting book. There's something of a preview of biopolitics as a theory within it, and I think it's a good read for anyone interested in a critical social analysis. I also finished The Atrocity Exhibition this morning, so that's 9 books read so far this year. For sociological readings I should get to Goffman next, and I'll probably properly get around to Camus for fiction.
Learning (19.02.2024)
Epistemology was cancelled, so only had logic today and then went back home afterwards. Wanted to get a lot done with the extra time, but ended up spacing out for hours. I did go down to the Asian grocery store and buy some new curry dumplings to try, which I really liked.
I did begin The Socal Construction of Reality and finish the first section (which, admittedly, is mainly about providing a background for the rest of the work. Much more intersting and relevant to what I plan to write than I admittedly expected. Reading and Thinking so much lately: I'm happy with what I've been doing, genuinely. I'm working on this in the context of academic essays, but I'm using as an incentive to articulate and develop my own outlook and I'm really glad to be moving towards some sort of concrete outlook which I can present to others. It is, unfortunately, relatively niche, and I'm not sure anyone else I know would be particularly interested in it.
Once you start reading one thing, you find yourself wanting to read so much more, I've observed. This is good. Finally again I'm deeply interested in something, and finally I'm really doing something with this interest. I can only hope something will come from it for others.
End of Session (Real) (18.02.2024)
Classes back tomorrow and I still don't have results from stats because the professor sucks -_-. My meeting about the exam I need to retake was actually pretty okay, had problems nowng exactly what was expected with the written questions so an oral exam might actually be better.
Finished Surveiller et punir today, so onto the next sociolofy readings. Still, it's been incredibly helpful in developing my schizoid theory and a general framework for my essay. Happy with the pace at which I read it, particularly as I did so in the original French. Hopefully it won't take me too long to get through my other readings. (Still waiting for my tutor's suggestions for my more philosophical essay...)
Writing this having just gotten back from the DnD group. Overall quite tired. Going to eat some instant noodles and then pass out. Have to get up at 8 tomorrow, anyways (I could sleep in, but for the sake of routine...).
Doing things (17.02.2024)
Tomorrow I'm joining a DnD group run by one of the members from the writers' group I meet with weekly (and with several other members participating). Have to get started on coming up with a character, but the details such as class are to be decided with the DM when I'm actually there. Kind of excited.
I feel like with my sociology essay and my MISH essay, I'm on my way to developing an overall schizoid philosophy. This being under the influence of Artaud & his body without organs is incredibly awkward in the context of Deleuze and Guattari (still need to read them). I'm going to need to have somewhere to keep my thoughts on schizoidity organized, since I'm likely developing ideas that won't properly fit into either of those papers, but which contribute to my overall theoretical appraoch anyways. I guess I've gone fully into phenomenology. Still waiting for my tutor's response to my suggested title and essay subject; that being said, the sociological essay has primacy for now anyways.
Yesterday I got a text letting me know that I will be called into the foreigner's office (via mail) to complete some matters related to my application; so finally that will be my fingerprinting appointment. Of course, who knows how long it will take to get an actual decision after that (probably half of my time spent doing my degree here will have been spent waiting for a residency decision. The bureaucratic aspects of moving abroad are such a pain. Still, I think I'd like to study (and settle?) in France aftwerwards.
I might start making shrines; if I do so, I'll need to make one for Artaud (of whose works I still need to read more!) and one for Crash. Crash was actually fairly significant in my getting into philosophy in the first place. There's a rather distant, clinical direction to the film, as has been observed by many critics, and yet it is such a fascinating film. It's unsatisfying, but in a purposefully unsatisfying way which makes it genius, alienating the viewer in the same way that the protagonists are alienated. I was really glad, then, when my tutor seemed particularly interested by my explanation of this idea; I think I've found an area I'm particularly suited to.
Haters can't stand my phenomenologically superior approach to comprehending the world. By the way.
entry (14.02.2024)
Just met with the landlord. Okay meeting, convincingly enough played the part of a human being. Of course any such effort leaves me feeling incredibly odd for a while afterwards. But happily the meeting was not long and he mainly just took photos of the damage for insurance.
Met online with tutor yesterday and explained what I've been trying to get at. He wanted my thoughts on a possible title/topic for my essay, so afterwards I sent him the working title of "The Schizoid Work of Art and the Recipient without Organs" as well as some considerations on the topic itself, am now waiting for his reply. This and my sociological essay on schizoidality both have a high chance of being pieces where I just kind of Say Things, and will likely be "fun" to write (insofar as this is possible for academic work), but as to whether they will be Good or not is to be seen (such writing has a tendency to be very Good or absolutely incomprehensible). At least the explanation I gave during the meeting seemed rather understandable.
End of Session (12.02.2024)
Last week of the winter exam session for me—or really, the resit week, but since the exam I need to retake is a colloquium and not a final, I'm to retake it in March. Went to the library today to study, since next week the next semester already begins. Trying to get ahead in epistemology readings so that I will have more time to work on my essays during the semester itself—and of course, the one I'm on is an entire book this time, so I was not able to finish it today. I should be able to do that tomorrow, however, and I'll count it (On Certainty) towards my readings, as I've been meaning to get around to Wittgenstein at some point, anyways.
My tutor did respond to me, so tomorrow I am going to meet with him online and hope that the idea I've come up with is comprehensible and in some way usable for an essay.
Since my landlord will be here on Wednesday to check the damage from the leak, I've been cleaning my apartment and it's a much more pleasant place to find myself in general now. Cleaning one's living space is unfortunately in fact very effective in making one feel better—both in creating a better space to exist in general, and in exercising one's agency to a significant effect.
Problems 2 (10.02.2024)
Not entirely about problems. Recovered fully from being sick, then ended up with a leak from above in the apartment. Messed with my sleep for several days in a row, as I had to keep watch over it when it was raining so I didn't ended up flooded. The wall and the floorboards are a bit fucked. Landlord at least covers repairs, but it does mean I have to meet him on Wednesday. So I've been cleaning the apartment and finally got around to replacing burned out lightbulbs, which were these weird halogens in the ceiling that were a pain for figure out; however, they're pretty easy now that I actually know what to do with them, and I feel happy with myself for this. Need to wait for a couple other bulbs to arrive to replace them.
Made up for the missed exam; got results back the night after (last night). 5-, which I'm quite happy with. Also heard back about my planned essay for that class: "fantastically promising, congratulations for the idea!" so I'm quite excited to begin working on it. Hopefully my own personal interest in writing about schizoidity will make the essay not completely torturous to write.
Still need to meet with my tutor. On Tuesday he had suggested an online meeting Wednesday or Thursday, and I had responded that Thursday was possible; after that, he never wrote back. I emailed him again yesterday about this. Hopefully he responds and we're able to meet in some form or other soon, as I need to begin on the essay I need to write under his supervision. I had developed something of a concrete idea (relating to the concept of a "schizoid act" in Artaud's writings and some films), which I was in a way excited to talk about with someone, and now I'm disappointed. Conversation also requires more of me than writing, so I dislike having prepared for that only to be forgotten.
There is at least one exam I need to retake (waiting for results back from others). It was suggested that I resit it orally, since it "seems to me that a big problem was your difficulty in formulating written statements" which, however, has not been a problem for me on any of my other written exams. Really I felt quite insulted. I will meet with the section teach Friday to see my exam and discuss the resit.
Have been reading Laing's Divided Self. To late to start a reading journal, but it's really a wonderful book. I have never seen a better description of the schizoid experience, and this will be incredibly useful to me in the two essays I have described above. It hits me very closely at times. I have perhaps been living even more closely to psychosis than I thought.
Problems (05.02.2024)
Just spent almost a week incredibly sick. Now have to make up a meeting with my tutor and an exam that I missed. Seems to be a moisture problem in one of the rooms, coming from the window and/or above. Will have to contact the landlord (and hope he responds).