JOURNAL. January 2024.
Session (29.01.2024)
Two exams done today. One a "zero term", meaning I'll be able to redo it in the summer term if I don't like my result (taking it in the winter is optional, though more practical). Overall don't think I did too terribly. But I must wait for my results. Last exam of the semester tomorrow: intro to sociology. Still waiting for the TA's feedback on my essay plan. Also meeting with my tutor tomorrow to discuss the essay I want to write under his supervision. Made some notes today; unfortunately for him, quite schizo. Will have to hope I remember what I was even on about tomorrow, although I've spent enough time ruminating on the subject from my own personal philosophical obsessions that I think I'll be able to decrypt my scribbled intoxicated diagrams one way or antoher. REally quite happy with how it seems to be falling in with the philosophical perspective I'm developing for myself; I'll have my own proper philosophical approach soon enough.
Finished The Secret History yesterday. I wonder if I will maintain my recent pace of reading; I do hope so. It's strange, when just over a year ago I was barely reading at all. But I've been reading a lot lately, and every text leads me to others, so I have endless exploration before me. Really quite exciting (and daunting). For all my mental breakdowns this past year and the problems associated with International Living, even for my change in study area from philological to philosophical concerns, I'm quite happy with the direction my life has taken lately. I seem to have found an area which encourages me to learn more and create at the same time.
End of the semester (27.01.2024)
Last class of the "winter" semester was yesterday. Still a couple exams to take care of Monday and Tuesday, but so far no problems. Thursday was my exam for the semester of Japanese language class, and I got a 5, which was quite unexpected to me, but I'm quite glad. There are a few things I still need to catch up on, but I feel as if I've been learning the language pretty well lately. Still, I need to find an opportunity for proper French practice, since I'd like to study there after completing my bachelor's here. Being able to read/watch in French is not the same as being able to actually speak it, unfortunately for me.
Went grocery shopping, as is becoming my Saturday habit. Once again I forgot to buy cooking oil and spaghetti sauce, so I'll have to attempt that at the one store nearby open on Sundays (which was frightfully busy the last time I was there). Still, I should at least be able to buy a small potted plant, which should give me something to take care of. Studied for a while afterwards; lit the room by candles and my desk by lamp only, which was surprisingly nice. Easier to concentrate which a focused field of vision.
Still need to work on what I want to discuss with my tutor; my notes so far mainly respond to one point in a rather tangential manner. Somewhat intersting, in a way. I feel I may be on the way to developing properly my own philosophical outlook. In a way, what I have so far is somewhat "in dialogue" with my planned sociological essay.
Continuing to read The Secret History, which is much more interesting than I thought (I admit that I had judged it a bit for being adopted by the "dark academia" crowd). Picked up my copies of The Divided Self and The Atrocity Exhibition today, which I'm quite excited about.
entry (23.01.2024)
I just watched La passion de Jeanne d'Arc. Extremely good film, which I really mainly watched because it featured Artaud. Did not expect to be as pulling as it was. Every shot was amazing.
Last week of the semester. Exam for the first semester of History of Philosophy tomorrow. Reviewed for it today, as I stayed home during the morning since one class has an online exame which I don't need to do yet instead of meeting today, and another was an early term of an exam I likely won't need to take. (For Logic I, as long as I get a 5 in the "tutorial" classes and attend lectures, I get a 5 on the exam without needing to take it. It's actually my easiest class and I've been doing very well despite putting in minimal effort, so I didn't bother going to the early exam. If only being good in Logic class also made Epistemology class easy, as it's supposed to. I'm passing, but with nothing remarkable to say about my performance in that class at all.)
Happenings (19.01.2024)
A lot of this entry will be concerned with yesterday, but I was too tired to make a proper entry then. Even so, I hardly slept the night before. Still, I feel fairly all right.
There's a woman from my Japanese class I find quite attractive. At this point, she seems to be flirting with me. This isn't bad, or at least it shouldn't be; I enjoyed when she referred to something I said as "cute" (such a phrasing from most people would make me sick) and when she touched my knee. She asked if I was going to a guest lecture that evening; I hadn't actually heard of it until then, but I ended up going (even thought that meant skipping my writers' meetup for the week). She then invited me to go with her (and the guest lecturer, it seems she organized the even at least in part) to a concert of her friend. It seemed interesting, and I would have enjoyed it, but I was too frightened for no proper reason, and by then quite tired already, so I made up an excuse and went home. Overall she seems nice—but I am incapable of proper intimacy, and even if I were, she is far too normal to like me if she knew me as a person (so deeply alienated and difficult to connect with).
This semester is ending, the next one is approaching; I will have essays to write. Yesterday I suddenly decided on the topic I wish to handle for one of my sociology classes: social factors of the phenomenological schizoid experience. I hope to be able to describe how this experience (as it seems to me) is in fact precisely the result of current systems of discipline even as much as it is pathologized and sanctioned by them. It's a departure from what I had been planning before (criticism of therapy culture), although in its way still in the same area. For my "MISH" essay I have yet to decide on a specific topic, but I did get a response back on my notes so far yesterday. At least the notes seem to have been well received, so I have hope that I am developing some good thoughts. What drew some of the most interest was something that has been germinating within me for a year now—my thoughts on the anti-cathartic nature of Crash (at least in the film). I would like to hope that this signifies some sort of intuition on my part, as this thought in its early form appeared before my proper leap into philosophy, and it fact is part of what prompted it. It's most likely that I will be writing about Artaud (this year, at least), so it might be a while before I can develop this thought further, but who knows.
Tonight I watched Carnival of Souls. An interesting film, very artistically made, I would say. Quite Cotardian, really. But it handles it in an interesting way, as the gone person still affects the world to some degree afterwards. I very much enjoyed it. I also finished reading the bonus content to the collector's edition of the novel of Crash. I finished the novel itself some time ago, but now I've finished the rest as well. Very fascinating novel. Provocative. Quite different from the film, but not in a way that is detrimental to either of them.
Turn for the better? (17.01.2024)
Yesterday the PSP my friend from back home ordered me for Christmas arrived. It's so I can play a game I impulse bought at a used games sale I ran into during the summer (Jak and Daxter: the Lost Frontier), which I bought as it was an actual Polish-language version. Have to order the battery myself if I want it to hold a charge (due to air shipping regulations), but that should arrive tomorrow.
Played it a little bit this morning, shince I woke up early. My first lecture of the day was cancelled, so after getting to the library I worked on some of my readings. I've been reading ahead for classes again, which is a good sign; before the holiday break, I was too exhausted at all to do this. Still depressed, but things are possibly looking better. Have been cathing up on making Anki cards for my Japanese class, as well. I do need to get started on planning the essays I need to write next semester, unfortunately...
Faces (10.01.2024)
In the library today someone tapped my arm to get my attention then smiled and waved at me as we walked past each other. I looked up and recognized him from somewhere so I nodded at him. But I don't know where I know him from. I don't think I recall him from any of my classes. I don't know where else I might have met him. I recognize his face from somewhere. But I don't know where.
entry (05.01.2024)
Didn't actually get my Freud notes done yesterday. Did them today. Had wanted to do two epistemology readings as well, but was tired. Got one done yesterday.
Had trouble falling asleep last night. But I need to get back onto my sleep schedule, so I set an alarm for this morning anyways. Woke up extremely tired, took a nap later. Felt better afterwards. Had planned to do epistemology readings but realized it was better to rest today. REad some more of Solaris and watched Metropolis. Was interesting to see the different film techniques. In some ways I think there's something to the exaggeratedness of films of that era. Realism has become a bit of a shackle.
Urgh (03.01.2024)
Did manage to make an appointment. Until then my teeth hurt. Have to hope things don't get too much worse before then. And then I have to consider if I should get checked for asthma this month or the next...
Read Civilization and its Discontents today for sociology (it's the last reading I need to do for the whole academic year for a particular course; I'm trying to get ahead because I have several essays to write next semester). I'll do notes on it tomorrow. A bit sad that my first book of the year isn't one I decided to read myself, but it is what it is.
Waiting (02.01.2024)
I need to make a dentist appointment. The site I use for medical appointments, however, is not currently loading... so for that I must wait.
I'm waiting also for my tutor to return his comments on some preliminary "notes" I prepared in terms of my project for this year. This is, yes, a loose use of the term, because I wrote very little of my own for these notes. For the most part, it consisted in placing in some sort of order quotes from literature and screenshots from movies which form some sort of narration for the themes that currently interest me. When I began making these notes, I was in such a state that verbally expressing my thoughts was incredibly difficult, and so this was the most useful thing which I could do. Now that I am in a more normal mental state, however, I find myself rather embarrassed. It is the break, and he is busy anyways; it is natural that he should not have yet responded. Still, until then, I keep remembering how poorly I am integrated within the "external world".
New Year (01.01.2024)
January first. The last year was a strange one. Not entirely bad. I read 38 books after many years of, to my shame, hardly reading at all. I started making an effort to watch more movies, although I have to watch more than just Cronenberg and the Tetsuo films (the first of which I had already seen in 2022). It marked my proper entry into investigating philosophical matters, after my attention was only really caught at the end of 2022. Now I am already a philosophy student.
Still, I ended the year (and am beginning this one) in quite a lonely position. I once again have nobody with whom I regularly converse. I have survived this before. I will survive it again. Nevertheless, it did result in a month-long spiral which nearly reached proper psychosis. Combined with the season, I began the holiday break in a depressive episode. I'm still sleeping heavily, but I feel overall better now. I suppose if I were to set any goals for the upcoming year, it would be to be more forthcoming. I suffer from not harshly enough protecting myself from that which is invasive to me. Beyond that I rarely assert my own thoughts. This is something I mean beyond just the personal sphere. I am hoping that, now that I am studying philosophy and sociology, these studies will provide me the means of clarifying and expressing my own thoughts on matters I find important (even if this is mainly through being subjected to the writing of long essays; however, we have relative freedom in topic, at least). I would hope to write more literary works as well. It is long since I have written something for Flesh, which is a shame. I've noticed since I've started doing my uni readings in the library during the week that I have relatively free weekends. I ought to remember what I wish to write about and use those weekends for this purpose.
I do wish I had engaged a bit more with fiction during the past year; I will try to read some more this year. I think I will begin with Solaris. As with nearly everything I read and watch, I am not allowing myself to learn what it is about beforehand (I enjoy surprises). Afterwards I will watch the Tarkovsky film. (Speaking of films, I need to watch Metropolis...)
To any reader who finds this page: I wish you a new year full of discoveries and interest in the world around (without forgetting the ever-necessary internal world)!